Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
