He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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