I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
