She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
