I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
