I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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