I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
my liver is dry heaving
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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