evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
