just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
