Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
