so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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