somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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