that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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