Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
