I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
