this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
