Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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