you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
