Sponge bath it is.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
