I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
