I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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