1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Randomize