I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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