I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
