Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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