This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
