Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
