Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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