I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
