Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
