yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
