I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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