so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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