She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
