mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
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