Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The uberlube is also flammable
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
