when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
