there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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