I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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