there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
