Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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