apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize