I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
why do cheetos always look like penises
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
