I could have mohawked her pubes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
