Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Ketchup is God's man juice
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I don't deserve a penis
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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