so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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