What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
