my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
