I think I won the penis lottery.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
