Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
