We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
