he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
