Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I faked an abortion last night.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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