Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
