he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
